Dear One Kings Lane,

I received your promotion today. You should be ashamed of yourself! Christmas is five whole months away. Most of us are thinking about the pool, beach vacations, and warm, sunny weather at this time in July. I really hate it when stores make me think of cold weather and snow while I’m just beginning to enjoy my sundresses, shorts and flip flops. So, maybe you could wait until October 1st? Ideally, I’d say wait until after Halloween, but I’m reasonable.

I’m so afraid were going to start seeing more and more festive crap — Oh, I mean critical buying opportunities — appearing on store shelves and websites over the next few weeks. And the music. You should really avoid playing it until after Thanksgiving, and the radio stations shouldn’t be airing anything Christmas until the first of December.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. I love the holidays. I love the parade of lights in the middle of the winter, when families gather and Lifetime movies abound, but I can’t take it for five whole months!

Back-to-school sales, which once began in late July, now happen before the 4th of July weekend. Costco now places Halloween costumes on its sales floor in July. And retailers like Target and Petco put Valentine’s Day merchandise on display before Christmas.

And the thing is, it’s a big mistake to shop for Christmas now. What about returns? No matter how careful we are, there’s always a chance the person receiving a gift from us will already have it or dislike it. And while a few shops offer a three-month return policy, you don’t. As a matter of fact, I just read your return policy, and you state: “Keep what you love. Send back what you don’t. We’re now accepting returns on most purchases. (Some exclusions apply. See ‘How do I know if an item is returnable?’ below.) Simply send it back in an unused and re-saleable condition within 14 days of when it was delivered to you.”

A 14-day return policy? See, it doesn’t make any sense to shop early with you. And I don’t believe it’s safe to shop with you until December 16, and I think you think it, too.

See this?

I love Nordstrom. They have decided not to decorate for Christmas until November 27, saying they want to celebrate one holiday at a time. They have a conscience.

Meanwhile, I might start a petition against Christmas music being played any time the temperature is above 80 degrees and Christmas ads appearing any time before the election is over. I want to live in the present.

Your loyal customer,

Danna Colman


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Writer and copyeditor. “What doesn’t kill us gives us something new to write about” ~ J. Wright

Writer and copyeditor. “What doesn’t kill us gives us something new to write about” ~ J. Wright