Emily, my daughter was 2 1/2 pounds. I also had an emergency C-section after being in and out of (mostly in) the hospital for four months. I understand you. I was depressed when she came home after six weeks in NICU and completely overwhelmed with anxiety. It wasn’t until a little later, when I was holding a bottle filled with my pumped milk up to her mouth and staring into nowhere, that I realized just how depressed I was. I remember feeling that I didn’t want to do anything and couldn’t think about anything other than how miserable I was and how guilty I felt for not being the mother I should have been. I thought of how she deserved so much better. Now thirty-two years later, as I read Facebook posts of joyful mothers gazing at their “beautiful bundles of treasure,” I envy them and still wonder why I couldn’t enjoy my baby like the others.
Emily, you and I experienced a different early motherhood. We went through fear and trauma and hell while others only had minor itching from an episiotomy and went home right away with a happy baby in a car seat.
We deserve to wallow in depression for all we endured. And thirty-two years later, I still have my emotional scars and anxiety each time I tell my story, but I promise you that it will get better and better and better. It will just need some time ❤