I relate to all of this except that it was my father who was the narcissist. Your mother and my father seem like the same person :(
Your story about the rug was revealing. Your mother played the victim and couldn’t control her rage. That was an everyday occurrence at my house.
My father died at age ninety-one with no loss of memory, so he continued to bring up everything I’d ever done in my entire life to make him unhappy.
I spent most of my adult years going back and forth between engaging with him and refusing to see him.
For most of my life I felt sadness, anger and guilt about not having a “family” like everyone else.
Perhaps your father is experiencing a health issue or just getting older? It’s quite possible that he has just given up and given in to your mother? Maybe he’s simply tired of it all. Whatever it is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you didn’t have a loving and supportive family. We were both robbed and deprived.
It wasn’t until after my mother died and two years before my father’s death, that I decided to try to have a relationship with my father for my own sake, not his. I saw him once a week for dinner with my two daughters and my ex husband (for support and a buffer). I allowed my father to rage at me without arguing back that I had done nothing wrong. I just stopped feeding his madness. It was the best choice I ever made regarding my father. Now that he is gone, I am free. Free from his wrath and free from any guilt. But most importantly, I am free to feel good about myself. You could be, too.
It certainly sounds like you have a loving and supporting husband. See, you are blessed, Nicole. I never found that man that you did; however, I have a daughter that is the love of my life. You see, we both found our person.
I’m attaching three stories about my emotionally abusive father that might interest you. Just like you, I rarely was hit, but I was yelled at every single day and looked at with disgust and disappointment.
My father would store up all his unfinished anger from the week and let it out on Sundays.