Written in response to a waiter on the beach at the hotel where I was staying…
All I Want is a Sandwich, Please!
I would like tuna and an iced tea. No, not the seared rare ahi with black pepper crust…
Just regular tuna. Water packed if you have it. Actually, I prefer white albacore. I’m sorry? You only serve ahi? Then what about egg? No, I’m not interested in your Salad Nicoise. I would like a sandwich. An egg salad sandwich on rye. No, I didn’t find it on the menu, but surely your chef could just chop up a hard boiled egg and add a bit of mayonnaise to it. I’m sorry? There are no substitutions? This isn’t a substitution. I’m just making a very simple request for an egg salad sandwich. A substitution is when a customer orders french fries instead of potato salad or tomatoes instead of coleslaw. I’m sure you do have an extensive menu, but I’m not interested in ahi today or your Salad Nicoise. I want a plain old fashioned sandwich… tuna or egg salad or chicken salad. Do you have chicken salad? You must have chicken salad. No, I do not want the grilled free-range chicken on a bed of field greens with balsamic vinaigrette. I want a sandwich. How about turkey? A turkey sandwich on any kind of bread. You can forget the rye. I’ll have turkey on white or wheat or sourdough or — No turkey? Then just forget it. I’ll have a Bloody fucking Mary!
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