Written in response to a waiter on the beach at the hotel where I was staying…

Image for post
Image for post

All I Want is a Sandwich, Please!

Just regular tuna. Water packed if you have it. Actually, I prefer white albacore. I’m sorry? You only serve ahi? Then what about egg? No, I’m not interested in your Salad Nicoise. I would like a sandwich. An egg salad sandwich on rye. No, I didn’t find it on the menu, but surely your chef could just chop up a hard boiled egg and add a bit of mayonnaise to it. I’m sorry? There are no substitutions? This isn’t a substitution. I’m just making a very simple request for an egg salad sandwich. A substitution is when a customer orders french fries instead of potato salad or tomatoes instead of coleslaw. I’m sure you do have an extensive menu, but I’m not interested in ahi today or your Salad Nicoise. I want a plain old fashioned sandwich… tuna or egg salad or chicken salad. Do you have chicken salad? You must have chicken salad. No, I do not want the grilled free-range chicken on a bed of field greens with balsamic vinaigrette. I want a sandwich. How about turkey? A turkey sandwich on any kind of bread. You can forget the rye. I’ll have turkey on white or wheat or sourdough or — No turkey? Then just forget it. I’ll have a Bloody fucking Mary!

Thanks for reading this monologue. Please click the below if you enjoyed this story to make it easier for others to find.

Writer and copyeditor. “What doesn’t kill us gives us something new to write about” ~ J. Wright

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store