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To the women without a loving mother…..

Although my mother was emotionally unavailable and an enabler, she was loving and kind. While my father told me I was bad, stupid and useless, she told me I was perfect in every way. He made me feel like the world’s biggest shit, and she made me feel like the universe’s princess. He tore me down. She built me up. He tore me down. I didn’t respect her and needed to be accepted by him, so no matter how hard she tried to raise me up, she never succeeded and he won.

I was a miserable child. Absolutely miserable. I was a miserable adult. I thought marriage might change things. I thought children might make me happy. Nothing made me happy.

The only thing that ever made me happy was “the event.” The only joy I felt was in looking forward to a future time when I would “be happy.” I thought it was “the event” — be it a Broadway musical, a special dinner, a trip to Disneyland, a first date. But as soon as I found myself at “the event,” it was like the old Peggy Lee Song “Is That All There Is,” except that she kept dancing. To me it was “Is That All There Is,” and “I’m still miserable” so let’s find something else to look forward to. And on and on.

A personal event changed me from being the negative, worrying, angry person that I was. You can read about it here:

My parents were both gone. Nothing they could say or do would change how I felt about myself. Do I blame them both for the lack of self esteem I felt throughout my life? Do I blame them both for ruining my childhood? Do I blame them both for my depression and anxiety? Do I blame them both for my unhappiness and lack of self worth for most of my life? Do I blame them both for every stupid decision I made throughout my life? Do I blame them for everything they did? Absolutely!

The thing is, I could have spent the rest of my life in constant blame and misery, but how would that help me become the person I ultimately wanted to be? At some point I had to make a decision. And my decision was that I wanted to take care of me. I wanted to nurture myself and give myself all the love and acceptance that my parents were unable to give. They failed me. I don’t want to fail myself any longer. I believe that at some point all of us have to move onward without our parental baggage. We have to pack our own suitcases with everything we need to go forward. It is now up to us to give ourselves a rewarding and joy-filled life. No one else can do it for us.

Thanks for reading my story. Please click the below if you enjoyed this story to make it easier for others to find.

Writer and copyeditor. “What doesn’t kill us gives us something new to write about” ~ J. Wright

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